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by moonmoth (greyvvardenfell)



Series: Love Like Yours 2020 [2]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mild Language, Post-Break Up, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24294850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyvvardenfell/pseuds/moonmoth
Summary: Reyja took Julian's break-up hard. But Asra gives solid advice, even if it's a little hypocritical.
Relationships: Apprentice & Asra (The Arcana), Apprentice/Julian Devorak
Series: Love Like Yours 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1753846
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





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**Author's Note:**

> For the Love Like Yours prompt "Caught Redhearted"

I'm numb. One foot follows the other in a mechanical haze. The door closes, pushed back and locked by a hand I think I should recognize. It takes me far too long to realize that it's mine. Large, pale, a faint scar near the thumb from an accident I can no longer remember… the last time I looked at this hand it was clasped in another, with much longer fingers and thick veins corded across its tendons. And my other hand was clenched in heavy black fabric, anchored as if to say there was nowhere else I should ever be. 

And then he let go. And I let go. And his last kiss faded with his dark silhouette into the summer fog. 

I'm numb.

"Reyja?"

I need to respond to that, but there's nothing to say.

Steps down the staircase, too soft to be anyone except—

Asra repeats my name. I didn't know he was back. I didn't think he was coming back, now that he's done teaching me. We didn't part on the best of terms, though we weren't on the best of terms to begin with. We never have been. 

"Fuck, Rey. What happened to you?"

I'm still standing by the door. The words won't come when I open my mouth to say why. Talking to Asra about anything beyond magic feels impudent, like I'm crossing some boundary I can't see. And this… it's too heavy a burden to place on someone else's shoulders.

Asra hesitates at the base of the stairs, one hand resting idly on his chest. My heartbeat makes itself known again with a wrenching twist, echoing like thunder through my silent mind. It hurts. 

"Damn it."

I blink and Asra's beside me, ushering me up the stairs with a gentleness I didn't know he possessed. One foot in front of the other, I sit heavily at the table when it appears before me. Vaguely, I register Asra sitting opposite, pushing a steaming cup of tea out of his way so he can lean across the rough wood and touch my arm.

"It was Julian, wasn't it?"

He shouldn't have known that. The whole time Julian and I spent together — a cruel voice in my head reminds me that it was all of a day and a half — Asra's been away, off on one of his mysterious journeys. He doesn't even know I was summoned to the palace, or anything else that happened after he slipped out the back door under the closed eye of the new moon. 

How am I supposed to tell him that the person he knew when he left has been repaired and re-broken in less than a week? That the heart I thought long shriveled up was coaxed out only to be stepped on? That I am numb, now, and if I have my way I'll never feel again.

"Fuck," he repeats. Faust slithers out of his shirt to curl around his shoulders like a scarf. Her unblinking eyes see right through me.

"God damn him. The second I leave, he comes crawling back… I'm sorry; you probably don't want to talk about it right now. I understand."

A piece of me breaks off and falls. Through the crack it revealed, I meet Asra's lavender gaze. My voice comes out a croak, stretched taut across my throat to keep everything else at bay. "He left me."

Saying it aloud is worse than I thought it would be. Tears spring to my eyes, painful as crushed glass. _He left me._

Asra swallows hard and runs a hand through his hair. His gaze drops to the tendrils of steam rising from his tea, tracing their lazy spirals. He fractures into blurry light as my vision turns to water.

"I wish he hadn't found you," he says softly.

A sob rips its way out of my chest. "He left me," I say again. 

He winces. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Can I? Can I put into words any of what happened between us? 

_Nothing happened_ , that venomous voice hisses. _You're worthless, hideous, damaged. Of course he left: no one will ever want you._

It's so obvious. "I… I thought—" 

But I can't say it. I can't relive it. I can't go back to the happiness I had with him, however fleeting it turned out to be. I fall against the wave of pain that envelops me, crumpling to the table with my arms hiding my face.

A smooth, cool weight crosses my trembling shoulders. Tiny kisses touch my forehead, my cheek, lapping up my tears. Faust slides under my chin and loops around to make her way up the back of my neck, resting her head on mine. Her scales are oddly soothing against my skin.

Across the table, Asra sucks in air between his teeth. Somehow, I think Faust can see into my mind and share what she finds with him. I don't stop her; it's easier this way. Vulnerability without the risk. If Asra really wants to know, at least I can pretend I didn't tell him.

"Rey… I'm so sorry."

Something about the tone of his voice trips a wire in my head: he knows more than he's letting on. About Julian, maybe. Or about me. 

"Hey, listen."

Reluctantly, I lift my head. I know I'm bright red, tear-stained. Anything but pleasant to look at.

Asra looks at me anyway. "Listen, about Julian. Um, he thinks he always knows what's best for everyone. And he tends to just… do things. Without considering all the consequences. He's been like that for years, as long as I've known him. I guess what I'm saying is that it's not you." He rests his hand on mine. "I promise it's not you."

"What else could it be?" I whisper.

"He didn't want to hurt you. The Julian I know, he'd never want that."

"Then why?"

He grimaces. Around my hand, his fingers clench. Faust tightens her coils and flicks her tail in Asra's direction. It almost seems like a warning.

"You know those headaches you get? The ones that always seem to strike at the weirdest times?"

I have no idea why he's bringing those up, but I nod.

"There's… a reason. A pattern. But I can't tell you what it is, because it would hurt you a lot. Way more than I could heal. Way more than even Julian could heal." Asra shakes his head and presses on, tight-lipped. "But he's involved. You and him… look, I'm no expert on this kind of stuff, but if—" He coughs, flushing slightly. "If what Faust is seeing is true, and I know it is, there really is something between you two."

I'm struck by a flash of self-consciousness. Faust must have shared everything: Julian's hands sneaking under my shirt after the eel bite, us baring our souls to each other in the little garden, his lingering looks and shameless innuendos the whole night we spent at Mazelinka’s. Every fervent kiss, every rush of blood, every touch both gentle and desperate. The pain in his eye, the one not obscured by a patch, as he told me he couldn't see me again.

_I am not a good man, Reyja. The things I've done… no, you'll only get hurt. It's for the best if this is it, if all you have of me are memories of one pleasant afternoon. It— it would be better if you didn't even have that much, but, ha, I can't undo the past. I'm so sorry, my dear. Believe me: if I thought there could be another way, I'd jump at it._

_This time we've spent together, though… it mattered to me. Thank you, for that. I want— oh, I want so much. But above all, I want to keep you safe. And you won't be safe with me. I'm bad news, always have been. Check any guard post from here to Dayyruz and you'll see a wanted poster with my name on it. I can't… I can't drag you down with me, Reyja. I just couldn't bear that. I never should have gotten you involved in the first place. I should have been strong enough to stay away from you. You'll find someone else. Someone better. I hope you do, truly. You shouldn't be stuck with me your whole life, no matter how much I want— erm, wanted. I wanted that. But it doesn't matter what I want.  
_

I had broken through the ice his words formed around me long enough to ask a single question. "What about what I want?"

He laughed, a harsh, painful sound. "What you want will be your ruin. Isn't that what they say? No, I… I can't be the blood that stains you."

 _I want to be stained_ , I should have told him. _Please. Drown me in blood if it means we can be together._ Instead I let him walk away. I let him vanish into the city and leave me alone in the light of the shop's single lantern, succumbing to the numbness that had been lapping at me from the moment he said we needed to talk.

How Asra can declare with such certainty that, apparently, there's hope, is beyond me. I would give anything for that to be true, but I just don't see it. 

"Tell me something, Rey." Asra regards me strangely, with depths in his eyes I don’t understand. "And I get if this is a weird question, but… do you love him?"

There's no doubt in my mind. "Yes."

He sighs. "I thought so. Normally I wouldn't believe someone who said that after, what, two days? But I do believe you." 

Faust glides down my arm back to her haven inside Asra's shirt. As he waits for her to settle, he rubs the spot over his heart again, brow furrowed. 

"Obviously you can do whatever you want," he finally says. "And I think you should do whatever you want. I'm just going to say this: Julian is reckless, and loud, and one of the most anxious people I've ever met. But he's also thoughtful and charming and sweet, and when he loves, he loves hard. From what I've seen, and what I know about him, he's willing to make you both miserable if it means keeping you out of whatever danger he's going to put himself in. And he will put himself in danger. That's a given."

He leans back in his chair, distracting himself by rewarming his tea between his cupped hands. "If you're okay with that, and if you can forgive him for being such a self-destructive ass and hurting you like this—"

"It's not his fault," I say, before I even know I'm talking.

Asra raises an eyebrow. "Isn’t it?"

"He just… he wants me to…" Oh. It is absolutely his fault. "You're right."

"It's really important that you talk about this, if you go back to him. I'm serious, Rey. He hurt you and whatever his reasoning, he needs to know that."

I frown. "Wouldn't it be cruel to say 'oh, yeah, I'm back, but here're all the reasons I shouldn't be?'"

"Is that what you're saying, or are you saying 'oh, yeah, I'm back, and I came back because I want to be with you. Face stuff together. And if we're going to make this work, I'm going to be open and honest with you when something bad happens so we can talk about it?'"

There's some irony in that advice, considering how often I've felt that communication between Asra and I has miles to go before it's decent. But he's right. Again. As new as I am to this whole relationship thing, at least I know it'll take some hard conversations I won't want to have to get where I'd like to be.

I take in a breath, hold it, and let it out slowly. It's cleansing, like my lungs have been bearing my tension in place of my shoulders and neck. As I look down at my hands — large, pale, with a faint scar near the thumb from an accident I can no longer remember — it strikes me that I stand at a crossroads: I could do what I've always done and let Julian go, sit here passively and allow the world to decide my fate, watch from the window as life carries on without me… or I could pursue the first taste of happiness I can recall finding, act upon the bravery he reminded me I had. I could face all the voices in my head that tell me I deserve to be in the pit I dug for myself and make them shut up; I can’t hear them nearly as well when Julian’s telling a story, or laughing at one of his own jokes, or complimenting me on things I’ve never been proud of before. 

Or when I do the same for him.

"Do you really think we'd be good together?" I ask Asra.

He smiles. "You already are."


End file.
